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I want to call attention to the fact that, while critics claim that higher self-esteem doesn’t produce any benefits, the core of their argument is really that it’s just a bad thing, regardless of its effects. For them, the nastiest possible epithet is feel-good, suggesting that they believe there is something fundamentally suspect about being pleased with oneself. Lurking just below the surface of their polemics is the fear that children may end up being content without having earned the right to feel that way. Here we have left the world of evidence and entered (through the back door) the realm of moralistic first principles. It is a place of puritanical fervor, where people should not be permitted to eat except by the sweat of their brows and children must not think well of themselves until they can point to some tangible accomplishment.
In other words, what the conservatives are attacking is really unconditional self-esteem. Yet researchers are coming to realize that it’s precisely this dimension that is critical to predicting the quality of people’s lives. If we’re interested in someone’s mental health, the relevant question may not be how much self-esteem she has. Rather, it’s how much her self-esteem varies depending on what’s going on in her life—for example, how successful she is or what other people think of her. The real problem may not be self-esteem that’s too low (“I don’t feel very good about myself”), but self-esteem that’s too contingent (“I feel good about myself only when …”).
In other words, what the conservatives are attacking is really unconditional self-esteem. Yet researchers are coming to realize that it’s precisely this dimension that is critical to predicting the quality of people’s lives. If we’re interested in someone’s mental health, the relevant question may not be how much self-esteem she has. Rather, it’s how much her self-esteem varies depending on what’s going on in her life—for example, how successful she is or what other people think of her. The real problem may not be self-esteem that’s too low (“I don’t feel very good about myself”), but self-esteem that’s too contingent (“I feel good about myself only when …”).
Alfie Kohn, Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishment to Love and Reason
I’m not a parent (yet), but this is really interesting stuff with some pretty broad implications.
